Love is a hoax, pass it on

Being in love is probably the most famous theme for the arts. Music, movies, tv shows, plays, books, even visual art, they all love love. This in and of itself isn’t a problem. Relationships and love, it is a fascinating subject. Most of my blog entries will probably be about it, too. I get it, it’s interesting.

The problem however, is that the media is lying to all of us. They convey being in love to us as an absolutely amazing, perfect, best-thing-on-earth kinda thing, but it’s not. Being in love BLOWS FUCKING ASS, 95% of the time. Now I know this might sound like an outcry from a salty, heartbroken person who just got dumped, but it’s not. Let me explain what I mean.

There are three possible situations concerning being in love. Situation 1 is where you and someone else are equally in love with each other, situation 2 is where someone is in love with you but you’re not interested, and situation 3 is where you like someone, but they’re not interested.

Believe it or not, I have experienced all three of these situations recently, in the span of a month. Not all with one guy (too bad, that would make for a great story), but 1 and 3 with the same guy and 2 with someone else.

Now the story with the first guy, let’s call him Mr. Assface, is a sad and embarrassing one. Me and Mr. Assface were crazy about each other for about a week. He then lost interest, but I did not. For two weeks, I was desperately into him, while his flame for me died out slowly. The other guy, we’ll name him S.A.S.B.A.H.T (Short And Skinny, But Atleast He Tried), was a guy I took to a party ‘cause I needed a plus one. I apparently looked too bomb, because he got a pretty big crush on me. I wasn’t interested so I rejected him a week later, to save his time.

So, as someone who has very recently experienced all three, I think I’m a reliable source to give some thoughts on this bullshit.

Situation 1, you’re both equally in love

I remember the week Mr. Assface liked me back, and I’ll admit that finding a person with whom you share a mutual attraction with, is really, really amazing. You’re texting with each other constantly, flirting with every word you type and sending stupid emoji’s, but they make you laugh anyway because they come from them. You snapchat almost everything you do, from the mediocre dinner you cooked to a dead bird you found outside, and your heart skips a beat when they send one back.

And it gets even better when you see each other face to face! Oh my god! You feel your heart throbbing in your neck as you reach for their doorbell, and when you hug them their smell just spreads through you and makes your knees weak. Whatever it is that you’re doing together, watching a movie, cooking, having a drink, it doesn’t matter. It’s an absolutely thrilling experience because it’s shared with them. Oh, and the sex! Everything is 500% more arousing because you actually really like this person! Everything is new and exciting and you can’t keep your hands off each other. And then you fall asleep, and when you wake up they’re there! They have this bedhead and they kiss you sleepily and you’re pretty sure you’ve never been happier.

Situation 1 is heaven, I know this, but keep reading.

Situation 2, someone likes you, you don’t like them back.

This situation is probably the mildest of the three, it’s usually just a little annoying. Having someone be in love with you is quite flattering and it’s a boost for your ego, but that’s about as good as it gets.

They text you constantly, asking what you’re doing or how your day is going, but texting with this person feels like a chore to you. Your replies to their desperate attempts at starting a conversation are usually ‘’Lol’’, ‘’Yeah’’, and of course, the classic ‘’Haha’’.

If you do see each other regularly in real life (for example if you’re working or going to school together), it gets even worse. The smile this person wears whenever you enter the room either breaks your heart or annoys the crap out of you. The way they talk to you, the look in their eyes… It’s kind of suffocating. Whenever you’re forced to spend time with them, you sternly look away, refusing to make eye contact because BOY will that make things worse. You avoid touching them and being alone with them at all costs.

You know in the back of your head you should just reject this person, but it’s not that easy. You don’t want to hurt them or you just don’t know how to tell them it’s never going to happen. Can you do it through text? You REALLY do not feel like calling this person, let alone meet up in real life.

Situation 2 is annoying, awkward and just inconvenient.

Situation 3, being in love with someone, but they aren’t interested.

And now, NOW for the most BULLSHIT thing ever: situation mother-fucking three. Holy SHIT does this SUCK.

I think the worst part about it, is the amount of power this person has over you. You’re practically their slave. Got an appointment with the doctor to check out that strange lump in your neck, or did you plan on seeing your depressed mother today? Well too bad, because this person agreed to see you at that time, and you’d kill a small child if it means you’ll get to spend time with them. You endlessly defend this person to your friends, who have realized months ago that this isn’t going to work out. If your crush expresses irritation, you practically fall to your knees and beg for their forgiveness, screaming how stupid you were and how you’ll never do it again. I remember keeping myself awake until midnight, even though I was extremely tired, just because Mr. Assface would get off work around that time, and I wanted to say goodnight.

Being desperately in love with someone who isn’t interested is so embarrassing and surreal. You do things you’d never even consider doing before you met this person. Not only do you try to fool your friends like I said earlier, you also constantly keep lying to yourself. Looking back, it was so incredibly obvious Mr. Assface had lost interest, but at the time, I kept on thinking of excuses for why he could be acting this way. ‘’No, but he really is busy! He has two jobs!’’ I kept on telling myself and my friends. Now that I’m sobered up, I know that’s such a shitty excuse not to see someone.

Situation number 3 is awful and maddening. It’s like you’re possessed or enchanted. You don’t act rationally. You do the stupidest, most humiliating things. All just to see that one person smile at you.

It’s fucking bullshit.

I know situation 1 is cool and all, but the problem is, that 95% of the time when you encounter love, it’s either situation 2 or 3. The problem is that situation 1 is just so fucking RARE. It’s so insanely difficult to find a person where the feelings are absolutely paralleled, and one doesn’t like the other more even a slight bit. Because the second they do, it’s ruined.

Stop writing love songs. Let’s just start writing songs about french fries. At least they don’t disappoint 95% of the time.

Love,

Fiona