The ultimate guide to Tinder men

Remember when I said this blog was personal, honest and primarily for me? Well, let’s test if my handful of readers have understood this. I have been wondering whether or not to write this, but I have 4 hours or so to kill, so I decided why the hell not. After this one, you’ll view me as a shallow, arrogant bitch. Hurray! Let’s go!

At the beginning of the school year, about 3 months after a breakup, I decided to download the tinder app again. If you’ve used tinder, you’ll know that it’s practically a steaming, stinking cesspool filled with stinkier men, but I know people who have managed to get into good relationships through the app. It is possible, so, ever the optimist, I uploaded my most flattering selfies, rewrote my description four times and got to swiping.

As I swiped through the men, matched, chatted, had very few first dates and no second ones, I decided that I needed a guide. And I’ll share it with you! For attention! And maybe, if we have the same taste in men, you can use it as well.

So with no further a-do, here is my guide to tinder men! Because the popular meat inspection app couldn’t get any more shallow, apparently.

Here’s how it works:

Pick a guy you’ve started chatting with after matching. Looking at his profile and your conversation, fill in the scoreboard: add or subtract the amount of points that’s beside a trait, the maximum being 10 or -10. Check below to see what the resulting points mean for this guy. Sometimes, he will be neutral. For example: if he doesn’t have a very hot body but it’s not unattractive either, it won’t be listed below and he won’t gain/lose any points.

This guide will work on other dating apps or sites just fine. Maybe even with guys you met in real life, but who still does that?

POSITIVE	NEGATIVE
Funny, interesting or original description. +3	No description or ‘’I like to travel and hang out with friends!’’ -2 Insulting asshole descriptions like: ‘’swipe left if you’re fat’’ -9
Appealing set of photos where he’s fully visible, seems cheerful and like he’s enjoying life. +4	Not clearly visible in his photos (sunglasses, ski glasses, only group pictures etc.) -2 Douchebag shirtless photos -4 …Douchebag shirtless photos but he’s ripped -2 No photo/just one meme as photo -10 Don’t.
Handsome face +5 REALLY handsome Nick Bateman face +7	Not attracted at all to his face -7
Fit, muscular, healthy looking body +5	Way too thin or too thick -7 Bodybuilder physique -2
A little taller than you +2 Tall building +3	Slightly shorter than you -2 A lot shorter than you -7
Starts the conversation with a funny, original greeting +3	Starts the conversation with ‘Hey’ -1 Doesn’t start the conversation -2
Seems Intelligent and intellectual from the way he types +9	Makes a lot of typos, doesn’t seem too bright -7
Has humor +6 Funny enough he makes you laugh out loud behind your screen +10	Boring, plain texts. Barely responds to jokes. -7
Genuinely interested in what you say and asks questions +7	Only talks about himself, responds ‘’haha’’ to everything -7
Loves dogs! +5 Currently owns a puppy +10	Hates dogs/is (very) allergic to them -500.000. Fuck that shit.
Lives in an apartment of his own +2	Lives with his parents -3 (‘’Ricky! It’s 10pm, are you two going to sleep now?’’ –Your date’s mom. Yikes.)
Lives max 10 minutes away from you +1	Lives more than 3 hours away from you -4 Exchange student, will move back to his country in a while -8 (unless you just want a fling)
Intro- and extravert mix, likes to party but also loves being at home +6	Extreme introvert, doesn’t drink, too shy to dance at parties -7 Extreme extravert, can’t sit still -3
Plays an instrument +4 Plays a sport +3 Has any other sort of hobby +3	No hobbies -2
Respectful and friendly +2 (it should just be the standard really)	Disrespectful to you or others -10
Seems experienced or you suspect he’s good in bed +2 (it’s just a suspicion)	Seems unexperienced or a virgin -2 (unless you’re into that)
Replies within 1 to 3 minutes +2	Replies in 0.5 seconds -1 Replies in 5 hours -2
Psychologist, doctor, teacher, vet or some other interesting study/profession +3	No study, simple job and no plans on changing that -2 No study or job and no plans to do so -6
Likes the same music, games or tv shows as you +3	Dislikes the music, games or tv shows you like -2
Asks you out for the first date to have a casual drink +3	Asks you out for the first date to a movie theatre/dinner/something where you’ll be together longer than 30 minutes. -3 Asks you out for the first date to his place -10 (either booty call or murderer) Waits until you ask him out -1
Shakes your hand and smiles broadly when you first meet +2	Goes in for the hug immediately -3 (unless you’ve talked a lot/you initiate the hug)  Kisses you/touches your hips, ass etc. -9

80 or more: HOLY FUCKING SHIT, IT’S THE ACTUAL MESSIAH. MARRY HIM. NO, DON’T! GIVE ME HIS NUMBER INSTEAD. NO, DON’T! CALL GHOSTBUSTERS BECAUSE THE EXISTENCE OF THIS MAN ISN’T PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE.

60 to 80: Absolutely amazing guy. Chain him down immediately before he runs away, you’ll only find a man like this once in a lifetime.

30 to 60: Very, very appealing. Go get him, tiger!

0 to 30: He’s got potential. Go on a date, give him a chance, who knows?

0 to -30: Hmm, if you’re desperate, you can try a first date with this one. Maybe he’s more charming in real life…?

-30 to -80: Yeah, no, this won’t do. Next.

-80 to -100: Block this guy immediately. Not worth another second of your time.

-100 or less: Actual murderer or psychopath. You might wanna consider moving.

In all seriousness, this guide was really just more for fun than anything. I don’t think I myself will even be using it (unless ironically). Whether or not you’re a good match with a person can’t be written down or calculated. Remember my lovelies, in the end, one trait is the absolute most important:

You click on the first date +10.000

You don’t. -10.000

Love,

Fiona