Oh no! Me or my friend is single!

I’m back, yay. I told you all before hand that this blog will be personal and I have no restrictions or obligations toward it. Let’s get to writing.

So, I’m a single gal. At 21 years old, this is no reason for alarm whatsoever. I’m not behind on the ‘’schedule’’ that our society has created. Up until I reach the age of 30 or so, I have no need to nervously check my watch to see if I’m gonna miss the relationship-train.

But still.

I know this, but any single can confirm that it sure as hell doesn’t feel that way sometimes. Even at this young age, we are reminded of our single-ness almost everyday. By friends, family and society. Sometimes I can shrug these reminders off with ease, other times they can drive me to tears. Here are some examples:

·       Plus one events. Singles dread this shit. Sometimes we luck out and get to take a good friend with us, other times we’re not as fortunate. Remember S.A.S.B.A.H.T? Yeah, I took him because I couldn’t find anyone else to accompany me to a gala.

·       When people in relationships pity you. I sometimes tell funny stories about bad dates to girlfriends, but instead of hearing laughter, I get sad looking faces and ‘’Don’t give up sweetie, the good ones are out there too’’. Or when people ask for you relationship status, you tell them you’re single and they tell you that you’ll find him one day and that you shouldn’t give up. Fucking stop this. I’m single, not a cancer patient. Hell, even if I had cancer, I wouldn’t want to be treated like a kicked puppy everyday. Find out if people are sad before treating them accordingly, because when a person isn’t feeling shitty but you still comfort them, you make it seem like they should be feeling bad and their situation is terrible.

·       When you’re trying to make plans with people in relationships, and you get second place. Oh they’d love to go on vacation with you, after the vacation with the boyfriend has been planned. Going out to dinner sounds great, but can the boyfriend come along? I can think of multiple experiences where my ideas just didn’t happen, because I’m not a priority anymore to my dating friends.

·       Don’t even get me started on people trying to set you up. They think they’ll be the one to save or fix you. Sorry, I’m going to say it: 9/10 times, the designated lover is butt-ugly. Which is just a dick move. You think this one’s in my league? Geez, thanks a lot. ‘’But he has a good personality!’’ they say. Yeah well, why don’t you date him then. A single girl once told me her friends were planning a dinner party, but she was the only single girl of the group. ‘’We’ll set you up with a friend!’’ They told her enthusiastically. You really can’t see how we’d rather set ourselves on fire than awkwardly sit next to a pimply, sweaty guy, while all of you are having the time of your lives next to your soulmate?

And that’s just examples of our surroundings reminding us, we do it to ourselves on the daily as well. It can be as simple as seeing a happy couple on the street, or a particularly steamy sex scene in a movie. Often times, you’re fine, but some other times, it seems the world is smiling in your face, saying ‘’Yep, that’s not you. You’re alone.’’

And it’s okay to feel sad about it sometimes. Feeling bad about the situation you’re in is only human. People in relationships have those moments, too, where they longingly look back to the times they could have an all night call of duty session while eating 3 bags of Doritos, or the thrill of dancing with an unknown hot guy in a club. The grass is always greener on the other side, and although I believe being in a good relationship will always be preferable over being single, both has its ups and downs.

So, what can we all do to make our lives better? Well, if you’re in a relationship, please read back those bullet points I just made. Be sensible towards our position, but not too sensible. You have to know if your friend actually feels shitty for being single, or if that’s just an assumption you made. There are plenty of singles who are perfectly happy that way, so no need for you to go feeling sorry for them. Try to keep in contact with your friends at all time, despite your (new) relationship. Chat with them and ask them to hang out. Only talk about your relationship if you know your friend enjoys the boyfriend talk. Avoid asking your friend if they’ve found someone yet every time you meet. Do not matchmake unless you have your friend’s permission and enthusiasm. Remember, friends and family is all your friend has, he/she doesn’t have someone to cuddle up to every night. Some extra attention will do wonders.

I’ve saved one question for last: What do I do if my single friend actually does feel shitty because of it? This one’s tricky, because I honestly think that every single would want to hear different words from their friends in times of need. Here’s what I want to hear, though:

You have to remind your friend, or you have to remind yourself, that you’re being a SPOILED, ENTITLED BRAT. No none of that ‘’He’s out there somewhere’’ or ‘’you’re worthy to be loved’’, because even though these things are probably true, it’s not what we want or need to hear. We need to hear that we’re being impatient and greedy, because true love is not a right. It’s a luxury. A lot of people eventually find it, some lucky bastards find it on their first try, but none of them found their partners because they earned them or looked hard enough: They just bumped into them. It’s okay to feel sad about feeling lonely now and then, but feeling depressed, frustrated or angry because you’re single is the same as feeling those things because you haven’t won the lottery yet. You know how rare good, lasting relationships are? About a third of the marriages end in divorce, let alone how many regular relationships strand. Sure I believe that every Rose has a Jack out there, but what if Jack had lost that card game, and he would’ve never entered Titanic? …Apart from that situation actually being very desirable for him in this case, those two also would’ve never met. Rose would’ve married that prick and either lived a miserable life with him, or get a divorce. Or she and/or the prick would’ve drowned. Jack and Rose didn’t meet because they looked in the right place or because of divine intervention or whatever. It was just dumb luck. And every single will have dumb luck someday... Or not.

Now, a message to my fellow singles. The sad truth is, there is no guarantee you will find love. Like I said, so many relationships end badly and sometimes it’s even worse when they don’t end and you’re stuck in a bad marriage. Others never marry at all. It happens, and this does suck. You could compare it to never having children, or never getting the career you hoped for. It’s an aspect of your life that will never be fully explored and enjoyed. I will not pretend that this is something you can shrug off, but it is something you should be aware of. It could happen, and it would suck, but you’d survive. You could still have a career, great friends, great sex, even a child. Your life won’t end, you just won’t be able to share it with someone the way some lucky bastards get to. But sadly, life just doesn’t always go the way you plan it. In fact, it rarely does. It may sound pessimistic or dramatic, but accepting this as a possibility will set you free. The relaxing effect it will have will actually help you on your quest for love. A bachelor will scream and run if you’re on a desperate husband-hunt. Instead, try to see true love as a small bird: Staying inside will make it hard for the bird to find you, but set out to find it and you’ll scare it off. Go outside, but stay calm. There’s a good chance it’ll land in your garden one day.

Or just throw out a fuckload of birdfeed, meaning sleep with hundreds of men. The right bird will be in there some day.

(I’m kidding don’t do that. Why a bird? This metaphor fucking sucks, I’m not a poet I’m sorry.)

Oh, and one last tip to people in relationships: if you want to make me feel a lot better, just complain about your relationship. I LOVE hearing about how I’m slightly better off than you on a rare occasion.

No, but seriously: Congratulations on finding your bird, I truly am happy for you. Enjoy it and don’t ever feel bad for finding it.

Love,

Fiona